Beach Body Ready 

The human body is never really 
Beach body ready. 
It is designed for rain, 
for offices, for chairs and sofas. 
So if I was to get a body, 
ready for the Beach, 
I would develop a Crab’s body. 
 
A hard outer shell, 
two razor-sharp pincers, 
I would grow stalks for my eyes, 
learn to walk sideways, 
and always look angry. 
It would be brilliant for the beach, 
but a dead loss in nightclubs, car parks, 
night classes, 
making friends would be difficult, 
and Line Dancing would be impossible. 
 
Chairs would be uncomfortable, 
young children would point and stare, 
and it doesn’t matter how good a hard shell is, 
it never protects you from the slings and arrows 
of careless laughter.