Tag: James Woolf

RelationHit.com by James Woolf


By admin

Our florist closes late at night
We girls struggle to get by
So I built a little website
To keep our spirits high

“Why waste time with flowers
When you can say it with a bomb?
Don’t sit there and cower
Choose RelationHit.com

If your marriage is a non-event
Or his jokes put you to shame
Just tick the box marked Your Consent
And we’ll take him out the game”

My wicked wit helped us survive
A website selling slaughter!
But minutes after it went live
I got a “wife pop” order

I called the bloke – his name was Sid
I told him, “It’s a jest!”
He offered fifteen thousand quid
I said, “I’ll do the rest.”

By now RelationHit.com
Was choked with user traffic
Quite by chance I’d hit upon
A demented demographic

I quit my day job selling flowers
With one or two misgivings
Now I’m knifing nephews in the shower
Shoving sisters off tall towers
Giving gramps a surge of power
Well… you’ve got to earn a living

James Woolf is a writer of short stories, scripts and adverts and occasional poems. Ambit magazine will be publishing his story Mr and Mrs Clark and Blanche in January 2017. He was shortlisted in the Bridport Prize 2016, and R v Sieger – additional documents disclosed by the Crown Prosecution Service was highly commended in the 2015 London Short Story Prize and published in 2016. Prior to this, his plays have been produced in various off-West End venues including The King’s Head Theatre, the Arcola and the Theatre Royal Margate. Two radio plays have been broadcast including Kerton’s Story with Bill Nighy, Lesley Sharp and Stephen Moore.

website

 

sex in the year 2075 by James Woolf


By admin

“hello travis – i’m elaine
we photo-eyed – the aeorotrain?
quickie text beam to your brain – remember me?”

“my dear! of course, so pleased it’s u,
those eyes, that smile, all shiny new
is there something that u want to do? – enlighten me”

“just read your thoughts about my thong
u seem to come on pretty strong
at least u turned this womb-chick on – u fancy me?”

“i marked those thoughts as – NOT FOR OTHERS
(mind-book settings clearly buggered
must get to that before my mother!) – come visit me”

“well now i’m sure u feel this way
i could atomise at yours today
then we’ll act dirty, what d’u say? – please answer me”

“suppose my dear we could have sex
but have to change my x-ray specs
can’t see through any clothes from Next! – what use to me?”

“had just the same with my last pair
could not peek at all at boys down there
only saw stray curls of hair – u’re flashing me?”

“just realised cannot play obsceners!
am not attached to working penis
my latest one is at the cleaners – forgetful me”

“that’s a bugger, travis, shoot!
could pick a prick up though en-route
know of a place that sells some brutes – u yessing me?”

“no – let’s pass on all groin-based relations
not keen on shop-induced gyrations
could we just have a conversation? – that’s suiting me”

“what kind of girl d’u think i am?
u want to talk with no wam bam?
is this some crass insurance scam? – u’re kidding me!”

“why does a natter so offend?
just want to get to know my friend
u womb-chicks drive me round the bend – old-fashioned me”

“u sleazy and pervacious prat!
‘just a natter – just a chat!’
didn’t married people once do that? – quit stalking me!”

James Woolf is a writer of short stories, scripts and adverts and occasional poems. ‘R V Sieger – additional documents disclosed by the Crown Prosecution Service’ was highly commended in the 2015 London Short Story Prize and will be published this month. Ambit magazine will be publishing another story later this year. He was shortlisted in the most recent Fish Flash Fiction competition. Prior to this, his plays have been produced in various off-West End venues including The King’s Head Theatre, the Arcola and the Theatre Royal Margate. Two radio plays have been broadcast including ‘Kerton’s Story’ with Bill Nighy, Lesley Sharp and Stephen Moore. He also write adverts for Black and Decker.

website

 

My Dog Nearly Ate My Homework by James Woolf


By admin

My dog nearly ate my homework, Miss – I know what you are thinking
This isn’t some old tired excuse, his teeth were really sinking…

But luckily I grabbed my book and tugged it from his jaws
And as I tossed it in my bag he caught it with his paws

We wrestled with that maths book, an hour went by – or two!
Then suddenly he dropped down dead, I promise, Miss, it’s true

I loved that dog with all my heart – there was no one else you see
My mum and dad are missing, it’s a tragic loss for me

So I put my maths book by my bed and began my evening prayer
When a sudden bolt of lightning struck, it hit my CD player

And that of course burst into flames – it did, Miss, I’m no liar
And half my room was all ablaze as I hosed out the fire

I somehow saved my maths book though it got a little moist
Having worked so hard to do it all I really had no choice

I tried to remain collected, Miss, I made my bedtime drink
But after the traumas of that night I hardly slept a wink

I must have napped an hour or two and I’ll tell you how I know
Because at some point I was burgled by some lousy so and so

There was no sign of forced entry, no damage to my place
And that’s why I am positive he came from outer space

He didn’t steal my money or poor mum’s engagement ring
That alien took my maths book and that was everything

I’m not sure why he needed it – I can’t explain his actions
Perhaps he’s got behind in maths and was stuck with cosmic fractions

Don’t raise your eyebrows like that, Miss – I’m simply being candid
An alien stole my homework – that’s why I’m empty handed

(previously published in a Thynks Publications anthology)

James Woolf is a writer of short stories, scripts and adverts and occasional poems. ‘R V Sieger – additional documents disclosed by the Crown Prosecution Service’ was highly commended in the 2015 London Short Story Prize and will be published this month. Ambit magazine will be publishing another story later this year. He was shortlisted in the most recent Fish Flash Fiction competition. Prior to this, his plays have been produced in various off-West End venues including The King’s Head Theatre, the Arcola and the Theatre Royal Margate. Two radio plays have been broadcast including ‘Kerton’s Story’ with Bill Nighy, Lesley Sharp and Stephen Moore. He also write adverts for Black and Decker.

website