This letter isn’t an epic piece of flattery.
In fact it’s not really
worth the pain
to explain,
I am writing this on
the notes of my phone,
like a typical twenty-first century
media whore or vulture.

I think you know what’s coming next,
one of those pompous requests
for your time and services.
All I can say is I love the look on Simon Cowell’s face,
when you are locked in an embrace.
I have watched ‘Little Britain’ to death,
placed posters of Lou and Andy on my wall,
not a pretty picture in a hostel,
with comments such as ‘I don’t like it’
and ‘I want that one.’

If I were to be a ‘Little Britain’character
I would be Marjorie Dawes
because I really love cake,
but rather more than a bit of dust.

My son loves your books,
I think he has all of them now,
though hoping he won’t become
one of the world’s worst children
after reading their
delightfully naughty
escapades.

I have a signed copy of the book
about you and Matt Lucas.
My sister wangled one
for my birthday some years ago.
Well, that is a lie, her friend did,
because she was working, to do
it for her, then pretended
she bothered and chatted with you.

I would dearly love it
if you could visit
my son’s school.
The children and adults really do
all love your books too.
As a writer and comedian,
you seriously crack me up.

I am sure you are used to getting
a gazillion requests like this.
I just hope this one
is slightly different.

Hope to hear from you.

Best wishes,

Geraldine

Geraldine Ward is a mother, author,  and poet from Kent. She has had work published in ‘The Blue Nib’ edited by Shirley Bell, ‘I am not a silent poet,’ edited by Reuben Woolley and ‘Writers Cafe Magazine’ edited by Marie Lightman, among others. She plays piano and ukulele. Her twitter feed is @GWardAuthor